Change

Change. The word that gets one elected to the most powerful position on the planet. That enraged me before I understood it. I mean, you at least intend to imply positive change, right? As it turns out, not necessarily.

I am not one of the fortunate few who can just sit feeling satisfied if there is nothing that needs to be done. I’m never just “OK.” Usually I feel dissatisfied, lacking, like I should be doing something else, antsy, and otherwise . . . at odds. I don’t reason it out, I just need to be pacing around trying to escape the field of anxious tension that surrounds me and there is difficulty achieving focus until I stumble on something that momentarily pacifies me.

So just being mellow and happy is not my lot in life. I’m agitated and unfocused.

Change. I am satisfied while experiencing a change in myself. It took me a long time to figure that out. If I’m pacing around as if trying to escape that field of anxiety, a hug will bring me around. Note the difference between uptight pacing and melting into a hug. Big change. But hold that hug for a while and all that wonderfulness becomes the new stasis and I need to change my state again.

A stable unchanging emotional state is not unlike death.  One begins to sense being out of touch, angst ridden, desperate.  How can you even tell you are alive if your emotional state is a perfectly steady hum?

So my happy place is not a stable state of being at all but the period of flux between states. When I’m hungry I enjoy eating and changing my level of hunger. When I’m too warm or too cool there is purpose and a fulfillment that comes only during the process of changing my subjective perception, perhaps by putting on a sweater or removing a robe and then sensing the gradual temperature change as a result.

The worst thing that can happen is to be in a zone where I am completely satisfied. Then the anxiety is gone, the obvious need to improve my state of being is gone, I am calm, at one with everything and not the least bit shy. And that state of being when lasting more than about a minute motivates me to cause trouble, to start something, to create mischief.

I need flux, I need change, I need to be dissatisfied and if you take that away from me you have trouble on your hands. Looking at the state the world is in, the powers that be already know this.

4 thoughts on “Change

  1. Oh, wow. That is pretty amazing. Sounds like great cardio 🙂 I like a big comfy chair as much as I like anything. Great read. Superbly written. I enjoyed the flow of it very much. How ever do you crank out one blog a day? Now, that is impressive.

  2. I really had to work at this one, the words wouldn’t flow right. It’s hard to hone in on the “between” instead of the before or the after. I seem to wake up with my best idea of the day. So I go with that. Failing a “wake up call” a have a short list of things I have issue with and I have a number of pieces of music to bring in one at a time once in a while for variety. so unless I get sick or unexpectedly out of town, daily it is.

    And I have scads of discipline along certain lines.

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